plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
