Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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