we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
