I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
