it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
