why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
