I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
