Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
True strength comes from lack of pants
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
