I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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