Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
