Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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