Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize