My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
