My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
