Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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