dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
