shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
