is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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