Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Randomize
