I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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