i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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