you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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