Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
