My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
