nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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