I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
