I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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