Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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