4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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