to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
