So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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