the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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