I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
