Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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