Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
