You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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