My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
