Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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