I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Say something about gay babies.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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