In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
