i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Your penis caused this!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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