I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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