fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
