You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
