I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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