So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We have so much sex to catch up on
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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