You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
