ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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