Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
