i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
