so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I am available for nakedness
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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