Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
