It's like a parade of train wrecks.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
