He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
When did angry sex become our thing?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
