I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
