I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
