your thong is hanging out like whoa
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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