worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
