im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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