Already got asked if we're dating
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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