Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I puked a lego.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
