Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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