Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
