it hurts more in the daytime
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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