We won't sleep together?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My liver just had a heart attack.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
